Hope Craze and Chaos: February 2012

I will never forget the 4th of July weekend, in 2005. I had a 9 month old baby, who was having seizure after seizure. I had been getting sick on and off for a few weeks, so I finally went into my doctor. Imagine my surprise where I heard, "Congratulations! You're pregnant!" Normally, that would have been wonderful news but our 9 month old baby girl had been diagnosed with a devastating genetic disorder, called Tuberous Sclerosis, just a few months prior. Neil and I were waiting on our test results, to see if one of us had this horrid disease and had given it to our daughter. And because my HCG numbers were so high, they thought I was perhaps pregnant with twins and sent me for an ultrasound. We were completely shell-shocked. After a minor nervous breakdown on my part, (OK, not so minor), we went in for an ultrasound. Not only was I not pregnant with twins, the doctor told me there was a "95% chance" that I was going to miscarry. The doctor wanted to set me up with a D & C for the following day. She was strongly encouraging me to have it done, so I could rest over the holiday weekend. I decided to let nature take its course, deciding to go home and wait it out. The past year of motherhood had not, in a million years, been what I had ever imagined it would be. I was 25 years old, with a seriously ill baby, who would never be cured. I was unexpectedly pregnant, despite all precautions taken, waiting to miscarry. And I was pissed off at God. Seriously pissed off. Why was so much heartache happening to me? Why was our young marriage being tested so much, so quickly? When I thought I could not handle any more, I sobbed, asking God to just give me peace. To give me joy. To let me know that He was still there. Six years later, I celebrate one of the greatest joys God has ever given me~ my sweet Ava Grace. That "miscarriage" is a beautiful, sparklely, sassy and completely full of life little girl, who helped to heal my broken heart. So often, I think of the "what ifs". Had I listened to my doctor, I never would have known the joy of having this precious girl in my life. Her sister would not have her best friend, who challenges her and cares for her like no sibling I have ever seen before. My doctor said she can not explain why I never miscarried but I can. Sometimes, miracles do happen. My girl is here because of the "Grace" of God. Happy birthday sweet girl!